Hiatus

I've been in sort of a slump this last week or so. Too much on my mind and not enough time to step back from it all. This weekend should help. Well, a week away would help... but since that isn't feasible I think I'll take what I can get.

If you don't hear from me for a couple days, don't fret. I'll be back. Not that I feel I have a huge following or expect people to be interested in my life. It's just that I have had some wonderful friends check in on me in the past when I was MIA for a bit. Don't want to worry anyone.

Hang loose, all.

She's a wild one

Sure looks like we lucked out on weather tonight. I'll take rain any day, as long as it's in moderation. About 10 minutes after I got to class they closed the campus. Lucky for me this meant not having to do a presentation and taking our final test home. Yes, that's right. We can email the answers to our instructor by Saturday. That's my kind of test.

Turns out that everything north of school was absolutely horrendous. A lot of my classmates come from Manitowoc and they said it was a thick snowy ice. The worst kind of storm.

Funny how weather controls our lives. Events we have planned, appointments to be at, school and work. It can reek havoc on our homes and destroy our possessions. It's crazy. It can put us in awful moods or create a huge smile on our face.

It's the number one topic that people talk about. You're standing next to a stranger... what do you comment on? Mother Nature is one crazy broad.

Calling all idol fans

I was never that hooked on the show, but there is so much real talent this round. My picks for the next three to make it:

• Adam Lambert. The guy rocks. The voice, performance, whole package. He's going places.


• Megan Joy. She has that edgy voice and cool style. Perfect song choice tonight.


• Allison Iraheta. The chick can rip a Heart tune. Very strong.


• Honorable mention - Mishavonna Henson. I didn't think I was going to like her, and the judges didn't, but she was fantastic. Way cool song choice for me and just a great singer.

If that Nick/Norman freak show makes it through, I'll boycott.

Can't get rid of me that easy

7:45p

Well, I got yelled at tonight for not posting a follow-up, but it's been a whirlwind of a day. I won't even get into it. The good news is that we think there's nothing to worry about. After scans and images and ultrasounds they're pretty comfortable with the fact that this is an infected lymph node. You can imagine the thoughts running through my head when the technician left to go talk to the doctor and I'm lying on the table with gel all over my breast and armpit. Not only was I feeling a tad vulnerable, but also pissed. I spent all this time and money on these fricken braces just so they could bury me with nice teeth??

They're going to forgo the biopsy and see if some antibiotics take care of the lump. We'll address it any further if need be. I hate to sound like a hypochondriac, but it was hard not to jump to conclusions right away. There are two ways that I do NOT want to die. Drowning and cancer. I could even handle falling out of a tree and getting eaten by wild animals, but I draw the line with water and chemo.

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

As if my day couldn't start off any better. We went through another round of layoffs at work. I was called in first thing to discuss all the security issues. That's when I found out that one of the people being let go was my IT counterpart. Pretty hard stuff to swallow.

So now I'm the last guy (gal) standing. The IT dept is pretty much me. I'm a bit nervous with the responsibility and work load that comes along with being the one left behind. Although the job security is there, as long as the boat keeps floating.

With all the chaos surrounding me I did find time to get to the Dr before lunch. I was disappointed to learn that my doc was out until Wednesday, but I didn't feel like waiting, so I saw someone else. We don't know what the lump is all about yet, but she's hoping it's a lymph node flaring up. Tomorrow morn I go in for tests and they hope to have results before I leave. Crossing fingers won't help anything, but do it anyway.

Right now I am beyond mentally drained. I have a final exam at 5:30p and I haven't studied yet. With everything else going on, suddenly it doesn't seem that important.

Things that make you go hmm

I found a lump. Under my armpit. It's a pretty big one, too. I'm not sure what to think about it. Carol had a lump and look how that turned out. A lady I used to work with found a lump and she just had a mastectomy and is starting chemo. I think Janie had two lumps and they were both benign. Plenty of people find them and they get removed like a hangnail.

I just had my first mammogram a few months ago, so I'm pretty confident that it's nothing. Guess I'll have to call my doc in the morn and have it tested. But still, how the fuck did this happen?

Come to my window

I think my neighbor across the street got a Wii Fit. Either that, or she's Sweatin' to the Oldies. I'm just sitting here at my dining table, and when I looked out the window I saw her boppin around her living room.

That happened to me once. I was jammin the hoola hoop on the Fit and caught my westward neighbor walking by the window out of the corner of my eye. Can you imagine how stupid I must have looked swinging my ass and hips around if he had no clue we owned a Wii?

Do you ever look in people's windows at night? I don't make a conscious effort or anything, but yes, I'm curious by nature. The other day I was on my way to pick up the girls and almost drove right off the road. There are a few houses that have their back patio doors facing the road. I was glancing, of course. I don't know if I'm more interested in what other people's houses look like or if it's more what they're doing. What I DO know is that I'm not the only one that cops a glance.

Now my neighbor looks like she's head banging, thrusting back and forth. I have no clue what the hell is going on over there.

They're he-re

We pick up GS cookies tonight, for all of you that ordered. Chances are about nill that I'll have time to sort them this eve, so I'll contact you after the weekend.

I thought I'd be a sport and bring a box to share with my class tonight. I just can't decide which flavor. It has to be one that I like, but nothing that my girls will have a canary over if they see one of their fav missing. Decisions, decisions.

Love you, too

Here's an interesting article:

"Why Ordinary People Murder Their Families"
http://www.newsweek.com/id/185440

Frankly, I don't quite understand it. But then again, I'm not ordinary.

Critic's choice

I'm getting The Secret Life of Bees in the mail tomorrow via Netflix. It was rated quite well by members and critics, so I hope it leaves an impression on me. There have only been a handful of movies that left me with that wow factor. Titanic, Into the Wild and August Rush being three. The Notebook used to be on the list, but after an X-loser boyfriend ruined that whole experience for me, it has been tainted.

The whole movie experience can be altered by your environment, mood and company that you keep. Some of my favs were a must-see in the theatre, while a few were just as dramatic for me on the comfort of my own couch. No matter what other variables come into play when viewing the movie, it all boils down to great writing and directing.

One movie that was the most colossal disappointment of all time is The Women. Egads. The cast was top notch, but the storyline was like watching grass grow and the acting left a whole lot to be desired. I would have rather spent those two hours folding laundry... and that is one of my most hated chores ever (mostly because of the socks).

This one's for you, dear

The VP of the local cancer care fund called yesterday and officially asked me to be part of their Advisory Committee. There will be seven of us, two not being cancer survivors. I'm a little nervous in the sense that this is a huge responsibility; finding ways to help those going through some of the roughest times of their lives. What do I know about cancer patient needs, other than what I've seen Carol experience? Even then I felt helpless half the time. But, I think that is the point of why I was invited. They would like my perspective as an outsider. There are other survivors, like those of us that are still standing after cancer has taken our loved one. We may recognize ways to help that those going through it don't.

Our first meeting is in a few weeks. I view this as a fabulous opportunity to get more involved in the community, meet new people and inherit some nonprofit experience. I'm excited.

**Side bar: I drive by the mausoleum where Carol is every single morning. In the beginning I would become somber, often shedding tears. A few times I would throw a beer in my purse after work and go talk to her. Now that some time has passed I view my morning drive-by differently. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her at that 5 second moment, but the thoughts have changed. I tend to remember fun times we had and stupid little inside jokes that made us laugh our asses off. I see her smile every morning on my way to work and that's very comforting.

Now I've seen it all

We stopped in at the Dollar Tree today. There are a few items that I'll pick up, like bags of candy, paper towel, toothbrushes, etc. and the girls always like to get a little piece of junk. Surprisingly they have quite a few brand name items. Today I bought a box of 24 Apple Jacks cereal straws for, you guessed it, $1. I like to pick up batteries, too. We go through AAs like nobody's business and they have brand name 4-packs. That's only a quarter a piece.

So, we're checking out and they have that little rack of crap there by the conveyor belt. Hanging on a hook was a row of pregnancy tests. I couldn't believe it. Who would buy a $1 pregnancy test? And why are they by the checkout? Isn't that spot usually reserved for last minute items like gum and chapstick? "Oh, wait a sec... I should really check to see if I'm PG. I'll grab me one of them there tests on the way out." Honestly.

I like the dollar store, but that really made me feel like I was some sort of white trash.

Can you hear me now?

Did you ever pull up at the ATM and turn the radio down as you open the window? I caught myself doing that today and wondered what I was expecting to hear. The machine doesn't talk to me and there isn't a lady standing there, waiting to insert my card. I think I do that all the time.

Clearly I need silence for deep thought, like keying in a number and pushing two buttons.

Heart of glass

We had a healthy heart day at work. People brought in healthy snacks, there was a group walk at noon and everyone was supposed to "go red". Me, I wore black... "go figure".

There were two small jars of sugar free snacks on the lunchroom table. One was filled with jelly beans and the other gummy bears. I heart gummy bears, but very much dislike jelly beans. We had to guess how many were in the jars. I figured WTH, and threw my numbers down. Later this aft I find out that I won the jar of jelly beans. "Go figure".

65 - The magic number

Janie officially gave her boss notice of retirement yesterday. May 2nd is her last day. She figured that will give her a little more time to save up for her Vegas trip in March and Napa trip with Alison in June. She has been semi-retired for the last two years, only working 16 hours a week. I asked why she didn't just keep that schedule for a while longer. It gives her something to do during the week and extra spending money to balance the social security. Not to mention full benefits at the hospital, even at a PT level. She said she's ready... and most of the women she job shares with are all a bunch of bitches. OK....

I have two concerns with her retirement. First, she's not exactly the epitome of health. She does stay active outside of the house with bus trips and plans with friends, but she doesn't get any exercise. Being home every day will only allow more time on the couch during the afternoon. That's usually where I find her if we stop in to visit on a weekend. The flat cushion is proof.

Second, I think both of my parents being home every day will take its toll on them. Janie plans to get out yet and do more volunteer work, but my dad has even less reasons to leave the house as each day passes. I think they'll be at each other's throats. Everyone needs to have their own hobbies or purpose in life. He doesn't.

I'll sit back and mind my own business for now. I AM happy for her, just concerned. I wish she'd pay a little more attention to her health for the girls' sake. I want Janie to be around when they graduate high school.

Better late than never

Do you ever sit back and think about all the things you wish you had done differently, or am I the only freak show that does this on a continual basis? It's not like I'm unhappy with my life, because I'm not. There are just so many things that I regret not doing... I don't necessarily regret things that I did. OK, maybe a couple, but the list is small.

For starters, I don't regret all the partying I did when I was young. Those were some fun times and I wouldn't take them back for anything. What I do regret is the quantity, not the quality.

I don't regret getting married (OK, maybe a tiny bit), I just wish I had put more thought into it at the time. I didn't know him well enough. Had we dated a few years I probably wouldn't have married him in the end. The real no regret part - getting my two spunky girls out of the deal.

I regret not going to college when I was younger, that's a no brainer. But I don't regret holding off when I was 18. I know that traditional students go right out of high school so they can kick off their careers in their 20s. Me, I liked being able to work first. It gave me a larger sense of responsibility, supporting myself.

A big regret of mine was that I didn't really evaluate what I wanted to be when I grew up. I know now that I completely missed the boat, but this is 20 years later. It's too late for me to go back to journalism school and become the next Lisa Ling, reporting for National Geographic. With those regrets I can take what skills I do have and try to apply them to my life now.

I do regret that I didn't live more places... especially outside of WI. There are so many opportunities and new cultures to explore. Being single was the time to take advantage of that. Now I'm unable to live wherever I want because of my ties to the X. What I don't regret is my children growing up close to my family and friends. That's important stuff. There will be time for adventures later.

One thing I've learned from all my regrets is to make sure that I stop having them. That means I have to follow my ideas and dreams. I've put more thought into my short and long term goals the last few years than I did the first 30 years of my life. It's OK, though. My life is only half over...

Should I stay or should I go?

For fellow Grey's fanatics, there is new news. Rumor has it that there are two main characters leaving the show.

James Pickens, Jr., who plays chief of surgery Dr. Richard Webber at fictional Seattle Grace Hospital, told Us Weekly that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are on their way out.

Us also quoted a set source as saying "Knight complains to Katherine all the time. The energy on set will be much better when he's gone." However, the magazine went on to quote a source saying that the show's writers want to create a "believable exit" for Knight's character, one that would make it possible for him to return to the show at a later date.

Heigl plays blonde bombshell and troubled doctor Izzie Stevens, who accidentally killed her fiance, Denny Duquette, while trying to help him get a heart transplant. Her character has been playing controversial romantic scenes with the long-dead Duquette, and a recent episode indicated that the scenes may be the result of a mental problem caused by a health issue.

I have always liked both characters, but recently became more annoyed with Izzy than anything. Possibly it's because she's been "having sex" with her dead boyfriend for weeks. The storyline has brought the A+ show down to a B for me. If they kill Izzy and the dead relationship, I'll up it to an A again. Especially because I like the chemistry between Dr. Hunt and Cristina.

Now George, I have a hard time believing that any of these people are having sex with him, dead or alive. Meredith, Callie, Izzy... none of these women are believable mates. There's a reason why T.R. Knight is gay. Trust me.

Remember me?

Last week I was reading something about Phoenix (knowing me, probably the weather forecast) and I started thinking about this guy, Gary. Gary and I worked together at a local engineering firm for quite a few years. After he transferred to our Phoenix office, I ended up going down there to work for a while. He picked me up at the airport, took me shopping for household goods at TJ Maxx and got me settled in my apt. We did plenty of cocktails, etc. He's a decent guy. Has been single since I've known him. He's probably about 10 years my senior.

So, as I was thinking of him the other day I decided to Google Gary and see what popped up. Sure enough, there he was, working for a firm in Atlanta. I knew it was my Gary because of his job history and graduation from UW-Madison. His email address for the firm was listed, so I contacted him and probably knocked him right off his chair.

We haven't seen each other for approx. 16 years. I came back from Phoenix and he ended up going to Australia for a while, eventually moving back to the states. We starting chatting via a few emails and low and behold the same ole Gary started popping out. He started flirting, commenting on my appearance back then (assuming that some of my features were probably still the same). Some women would be offended by this, but not me. If you knew Gary you'd just shrug it off. He's harmless. He even noted a specific pair of pants that he remembers me wearing. Now that I found a little odd....

Anyway, it's good to catch up with old friends from key phases of my life. It's important that they know the impact they've made on me.

No problems over here

We had a neighborhood round robin last night. It was fun... traveled a few houses, each having a different specialty drink, had some snacks. I only had about eight drinks total, and that was over an eight hour period, so you can do the math. I felt quite sober when I got home. The drinks were small.

The X's girlfriend's father lives in the neighborhood, next door to close friends of mine. I saw him and his wife at the houses but didn't really get a chance to talk to them. Not because I was avoiding them; the opportunity just didn't come up. At the end of the eve there were a few people that asked me if it was awkward having the GF's father there. Um... no. Why would it be? I have no clue if they even know who I am and there's no reason for anyone to be uncomfortable. I've said this a million times, but for those that still haven't heard, we all get along just great. The X, his GF, all our kids... everyone is just friendly and happy.

People seem to want drama and are almost disappointed that there isn't any. There's the "oh, that's great" when I mention that it's all kosher... but do they mean it? Someone even asked me what the girls do on the weekends when they're with their dad. I don't exactly have all the details, but family stuff, I'm sure. What would they expect? Sort of an odd question. And then I've already been asked if the X and his GF plan to marry. Does anyone really expect me to know that?? Not exactly a conversation that the X and I have. We talk about a lot of things, but that rarely comes up.

So, for all those people in this tiny little town of ours that continue to ask questions - don't sweat it. I'm good. It's all good.

Now, I just got back from my walk to the grocery. I got me one of them delicious rotisserie chickens and I need to go pick at it for a while.

More, please

Last night I did something that I never do. After the movie I went back to the snack counter and refilled my jumbo popcorn to take home. The more I thought about it the more I figured that I was just getting my money's worth. Entrance to the movie was $8.75 and the popcorn was $6.75. (I smuggled in my can of DC... I always do.) At those prices I didn't feel bad for the refill. Besides, it's company policy. It's not like I was stealing anything.

Lisa... you inspire me.

It's a new day

Well, looky, looky. It appears that we may just get above freezing since, I don't know, October! And look at the precipitation... 10% chance. Gotta love it.

What a fantastic opportunity for some of this dirty, sand covered snow to melt. We're rounding the corner, people. Just yesterday I was driving down the road and thought, "Look at how ugly it is out here. The mountain-size snowbanks never got a chance to melt and now they are layered by the sandy mix that the plows have been throwing down. It's a very unattractive time of year for the state of WI."

It's going to be a sloppy weekend, but I plan to throw on my ducky boots and get some exercise. Woo-freakin-hoo.

My apologies

I didn't want to leave today on a downer note, talking about depression and death. There's nothing uplifting about that. What was I thinking? So, here's something on a lighter note.

Some of you may know that I've volunteered for the local cancer care fund over the last few years. I don't do as much as I'd like to, but I make a presence and jump in whenever they ask. Recently the Vice President contacted me about a database issue. With that he asked if I'd be interested in joining an Advisory Committee. The main purpose of this group would be to address the current unmet needs of local cancer patients/survivors and see how the SCCCF might be able to address those needs along with some cost estimates. It would be a fantastic opportunity and one that I'm very excited about. It will give me great insight into working for a non-profit organization, which is one of my career goals.

I had to fill out an application and am waiting for the final invite in, but the VP told me today that my involvement was quite probable.

There are no words

What a horrifying story.

MISSION VIEJO, Calif. - A 4-year-old girl in Southern California died after she climbed into a washing machine that began tumbling when her toddler brother hit its simple push-button start.

Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino said Kayley Ishii apparently climbed into the front-loading washer Monday afternoon. Her 15-month-old brother either bumped or pushed the button to start the machine.
Amormino said the machine's controls were only 20 inches from the floor and the start switch was a simple push button. The girl was in the water-filled, tumbling machine for at least two minutes before her mother found her.

Depression of many kinds

Today is a new day and that's how I'm going to approach it. Yesterday wasn't so great. Today can be.

I know we all have monotony in our lives and this shitty ass weather sure doesn't help any. Every day I picture the people in CA and AZ sitting on their sunny patios having coffee with their paper and I wonder "why not me??" But, my day will come. For now I deal with today and get a grip!!

I have a hard time understanding how those hundreds and hundreds of unemployed people in the area can handle all the stress during this never-ending winter. I talk to plenty of people that are either displaced, or have family members that are, and I give them a lot of credit. Granted there really is no choice but to accept what life has handed you and make the best of it, but I can easily see how depression would take over some of their lives after a while. If my life gets to be a downer while I am running from work to school to basketball to scouts... how would it be if I was sitting at home every day with nothing but job searches to keep me occupied? At least in the summer there is exercise and fresh air to be had.

This Depression (and I do think it qualifies) is taking a toll on all of the middle and lower class. Something's gotta give soon. I've never been more thankful for what I have. The reality of what some of us could be dealing with puts a whole new perspective on things.

Just this morning Alison asked if I could buy regular Cheetos instead of the Roundy's version. She thinks they taste better. I told her that these cost less and taste just fine. Not that Ali is asking a lot, but plenty of kids don't even get Cheetos. It really could be much worse... she could be sucking on Saltines every day for snack. Or as I heard from when times were really rough - eating lard sandwiches.

On the rocks

I'm having one of those days where I could see driving a few hours, checking into a nice hotel and tossing a couple $20s onto the bar. Sometimes it's just nice to get away from the every day surroundings and be around complete strangers.

Go back to sleep

The groundhog saw his shadow this morn. Surprise, surprise. Since 1887, he has seen his shadow 97 times, hasn't seen it 15 times, and there are no records for nine years. So, yeah, there will be six more weeks of winter.

Do we really expect anything less? This is Wisconsin, people. Can you ever recall a winter ending before March? We're lucky if it stops snowing in April.

I tend not to put a whole lot of merit into this groundhog thing.

Under the mattress

I LOVE this time of year. TAX TIME. Granted, those that pay in avoid it like the plague, but not this kid. I tend to sit down at the computer the day after I receive my W2.

I got a very healthy return this year. As one friend pointed out, the ideal is really to have things balance out over the year and break even at tax time. Me, I'd rather get the cash at the end to lock away for safe keeping. It just feels good.

By next week my bank account will have a little more padding. Something to save for that rainy day when I may be unemployed. Positive thinking, eh? Just being a realist.

Stuff

I felt as if all I did today was pick things up. Ever have a day like that? Between laundry, dishes and cleaning the floors... always something in my hand. Plus I chopped ice outside and scooped that up for over an hour.

With the kids and all their crap - it's endless. Every corner I turn there is more stuff on the dining table, dirty socks in the bathroom, webkinz animals here and there, 1/2 drank cups of juice. I'm always picking things up. I guess I could walk by and let the stuff sit, but that would bother me to no end.

When the girls are gone, there's none of this. I'll spend an hour on Friday eve picking up all their books, pencils, gloves and crumbs and then it's smooth sailing until Sunday. No mess but my own, nothing out of place. It's bliss.